Thursday, May 1, 2014

The Feels

I hate thing that make me sad.

Today in class we watched the ending of Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. The story follows Oskar Schell on his journey to find the lock that fits the key he finds in his father's room. His father has died in 9/11 and this is a piece of him that Oskar his holding onto.

9/11 is something that resonates with me, as it does everybody who can remember that day. That day was my 11th birthday. I was sitting in my fifth grade classroom and i just remember we had the television on all day and we watched the footage over and over and over again. At the end of the day someone reminded the teacher that it was my birthday and she looked at me like i was the saddest thing she had ever seen in her life. My parents picked me up from school and we barbecued hotdogs and tried to celebrate my birthday, but it was pointless. I spent the whole day afraid that I was going to die. This is back when I didn't have a room and slept on the couch in the living room at my grandma's house. I remember laying on the couch and crying while my dad watched the news to see if there were any developments. Any explanation.

I can't enjoy movies that are based on tragic events. Real tragic events. It's hard for me. Schindler's List, Saving Private Ryan, Hotel Rwanda, Full Metal Jacket, hell, even Titanic... I just can't sit through them more than once. And the one time i do, i'm always uncomfortable. I feel bad for sitting down to something for entertainment knowing that it's based off a real thing, where real people died and real families were torn apart by violence or disaster.

I appreciate the film. And in someways it was easier to see than to read for me. The imagery was hard, but I can look at the actors and know they aren't real people. Tom Hanks sounds like Tom Hanks on the answering machine and I KNOW that Tom Hanks is (most likely) ok right now, but it was still hard to hear and particularly disturbing when they showed the towers falling. When reading the answering machine passages in the book, it killed me because in my head i put real faces to the words and i cant help but want to just put the book down. It bummed me out so much, it made me not want to read it at all.

I guess i should get over it, but I doubt i will. I've always been this way. I'm a sensitive person to the extreme and I guess i just have to spend my life ignoring things that may cause me to be uncomfortable on an emotional level.

After all that emotion.. I need some adorable.

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